Little Pieces
by heidipoo
Summary: Campbell Saunders is falling apart piece by piece. Being homesick and hating hockey doesn't help the situation at all. What will the aftermath be once he finally breaks? And what about Maya? Or, the missing pieces from Cam's suicide. Request.
1. Prologue

**Author's Note: I've been meaning to write this for a long time now, but literally life and school just swept me away. Anyway, this was a request I got like a million years ago so I hope you all enjoy. Be sure to leave a review and stuff, and check out my profile for other fics. And if you have a request, don't be afraid to shoot me a PM as well. Thanks!**

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Dear Cam,

It's been 28 days since you've disappeared out of everyone's lives. That's almost a month. The days go by extremely slow, and I have to keep myself busy with some sort of distraction or else my mind wanders to you. I can't take it, it's hell without you Cam. I figured time would make things better, but things have only continued to get worse. I wake up in the middle of the night, screaming, sweating, because I have nightmares about what you did. I know that probably sounds selfish of me to say, but you're the selfish one Campbell, you're the selfish one for putting everybody who cared about you in pain. Your mom is still mourning, but that's to be expected isn't it? She's worse than I am, and I try to help her, but I'm afraid I just can't do it. I can't help anybody until I help myself.

I wish you would have talked to me before you did all this to yourself, but everyone knows that wishes don't come true. And it's too late now, you're dead, and there's nothing else I can do but hope that time will make all the pain go away. This page has tears on it, because I couldn't bring myself to stop crying while I was writing it. You were so young Cam, and I wish I could understand why you did what you did. But even as time passes and I begin to grow older I don't think I ever will understand. I will probably never understand what went through your head everyday to make you feel like you had no other choice but suicide. Maybe one day, you can explain it to me, but I know that day will be far away in the late future.

Degrassi has gone back to normal since that day. Everyone was shaken up for a week or two, then things were okay. I wish it could be like that for me. I wish I could just go on autopilot, and go back to living my normal life. But I cared about you too much Cam, I cared about you too much to ignore those feelings of guilt, sorrow, and pain. I guess the whole purpose of this letter is just to let out these feelings that I've kept bottled up for a while. I don't really have many people to talk to about this kind of thing. I've contemplated going to see a counselor, but I'm still afraid of what other people will think of me for it.

We had a lot of good times Cam, and I miss you. Did you expect me just to forget all the stuff we did and all the time we spent together? Did you expect me to just walk away from all that? I'll never forget, and I'll never walk away because I loved you Campbell Saunders, and I could have helped you if you just talked to me instead of bottling it all up. But, it's too late now, and you're gone forever.

Love always, Maya

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**Author's Note: To be continued...?**


	2. Missing Pieces

Campbell Saunders, not your typical high school jock, but a well known hockey player was still getting used to his new life at Degrassi. He was staying with a different family, just so he could come to this school and play hockey. He did enjoy hockey when he felt like playing, but sometimes, his homesickness got the best of him and there were times when he just wanted to cry and go back home to his real family. "I miss you mom." Cam said into his cell phone as he walked through the front doors of Degrassi. Another day of school had just begun, but he made sure to talk to his mom over the phone everyday, no matter what time it was.

"I miss you too honey." His mom replied on the other line. She knew of Cam's homesickness, and the daily battles he faced with going to school and just being away from home altogether. She knew he wasn't happy to be at Degrassi. But it was still the beginning, and she begged him to just stick it out for her sake. He just hadn't had enough time to adjust to that new life there yet. She told him that it would come in time. "How's that girl you were telling me about? What's her name? Maya?" She asked, flirtation hinting her voice.

Cam laughed, "She's good mom." He smiled, thinking of Maya Matlin. She was the only person who truly understood him while he was here. The only person that could really make him laugh or smile. So of course, he had to tell his mom about her. He remembered telling her about everything: French class, and how they became partners, the whole face range ordeal with Tristan, to Mike Dallas being on his case all the time about hockey, Bianca dumping the water on him at the mall, and then everything about Maya and his relationship so far since he asked her on a date at little miss steaks. He told his mom how he and Maya ran away from Maya's big sister on their first date and took pictures in the photo booth. He loved telling his mom about stuff going on. And his mom loved to hear his stories.

"Okay. She seems like a nice girl, you two should go on a date again soon." His mom replied, and he laughed. "Alright, I'll leave you alone now sweetie, have a good day at school. I love you." But taking Maya on another date didn't really seem like a bad idea. He pushed that thought to the back of his head for later. Maybe he would ask her out after all if he wanted their relationship to progress.

"I love you too mom, bye." Cam said, and hung up his phone. By then, he had reached his locker, and Maya was already there waiting for him.

"Hey, can we get a redo?" Maya asked him.

"A redo?"

"Yeah, without Katie." She said.

"Uh, yeah. What do you want to do?" He asked.

"What's your dream date?" Maya questioned.

"I heard the guys talking about some garden-"

"Yeah, I'd love that!" She exclaimed as the rest of the hockey team walked by.

"I should probably get with the team." Cam said. "I'll see you after school." He said, and followed behind the rest of the boys on the team. The rest of the day then flew by quickly, and before he knew it, it was time to meet Maya in the garden after school. He liked her a lot, he just wished that things didn't have to be so weird and awkward when they were around each other.

"How was your salad?" Maya inquired.

"Good." Cam answered, "But you know you didn't have to do all this, right?" He asked.

"Oh, I just got it from the cafeteria." She waved it off. "It's important to load up on carbs before a big game." She informed. Had she been looking up stuff about hockey for him? He thought that they had established in the photo booth that it was okay that she didn't like hockey, because well, he didn't like it very much either. "So, where are you playing tonight?" She asked, changing the subject.

"I thought you didn't like hockey?" He questioned, and he knew things were about to take a turn for the worse.

"Did I say that?" She asked. "I just meant that I've never been exposed to hockey. We play soccer at my house."

"Well, we don't have to talk about hockey." He insisted. "Tell me about your band."

"Don't be silly. Hockey is important to you and I want to know all about it." Maya said, scooting closer to him. "Is it true you might go into the NHL?" Cam was beginning to have doubts about Maya now. He wanted to hang out with her so that he could forget about hockey for awhile, not let her throw it up in his face and question him every single thing about it. He immediately felt uncomfortable, and he wanted to talk to his mom right away.

"That's what they say." He answered nonchalantly.

"What team do you want to play for?" She asked.

"I guess whoever drafts me." He said, another nonchalant answer.

Suddenly, Maya coughed and got juice on his nice game day shirt. "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!" She apologized immediately, and tried to clean up her mess. "I didn't mean to..." She trailed off, flushing just a bit. It was probably just her nerves after all.

"It's okay." Cam waived it off. "I gotta go or I'll miss the bus."

"The team needs their star player." Maya replied playfully.

"Thank you for this." Cam smiled. She then went in for a kiss, but Cam hurried and turned his head, so she captured his ear in her mouth. It was awkward, no doubt, but hell, this whole little lunch ordeal had been nothing but awkward. He didn't say anything about it though, because he didn't want to make Maya feel bad. "Uh, I got to go." Cam said once more.

"Good luck tonight." Maya smiled as he walked away. "Break a leg!" Fast forward to the next day in French class, Maya, Tristan, and Tori were texting each other about the whole situation at the garden. And even worse, the teacher caught them and read the messages out loud in class! Cam was really mad, and Maya had ended up chasing him after class. "Campbell! Wait! I'm sorry the whole class had to hear about that." She apologized.

"Whatever." He replied harshly.

"So that's it?" She asked incredulously. "You just don't like me anymore? Or maybe you never like me at all. Or maybe the hockey guys dared you to go out with me, is that it?" She interrogated him with multiple questions at once. "Please, Cam, I've never had a boyfriend before, or kissed a guy... Not even spin the bottle. I don't know what I'm doing!" She said.

"It's not about that!" Cam yelled.

"Then what?" Maya asked. "I thought you liked me."

Cam scoffed, "Yeah, I thought you liked me too. I thought you didn't care about all that stupid hockey stuff? I thought I found the one person in this school who liked me for me. Turns out you're just like every other girl."

"No!" Maya said. "I don't care about that stuff, I like you. The guy in the photo booth. I just wanted you to like me too." She was on the verge of tears now.

"I got to go." Cam said, and walked away. Now he really wanted to talk to his mom about everything. And after school, he did talk to his mom. He told her everything, not sparing any silly details either. And you know what his mom said? His mom said to give Maya another chance, so Cam decided that he would. So, he showed up at her house later that night to talk. When he arrived there, he got a glimpse of her playing the cello. "Hey." He said, knocking on the wall. "Your sister let me in... Okay, look, I thought about what you said the other day and I was nervous too. I've never had a girlfriend before, and I didn't... I didn't..." He couldn't find the right words, so, he just leaned in and kissed her. And that was when the downward spiral began.

Fast forward through a few weeks, Campbell Saunders felt as though hockey was consuming his life. And he hated it. He found himself skipping practice to have a break from hockey, and found himself spending more and more time with Maya. She did help ease the pain he felt, the depression, and sorrow, but he still felt like something was missing. He wanted to go home more than ever. The pressure was really getting to him nowadays. And one day after practice, he had finally had enough, so Cam had cut himself with the blade on his skate. The pain was a good release for him, but he knew that this was no healthy outlet. Things only got worse when the media wanted to question him after games and whatnot. He wasn't ready to do all that, hell, he was only fifteen. He shouldn't have had to do that. But god, he wanted to go home now more than ever.

But the moment that Campbell Saunders threw himself off the school balcony and broke his arm, that was the moment that he truly knew that something was wrong with him. Why was he hurting himself? Did he really want to get away from hockey that bad? And if that was the case, then why didn't he just quit the hockey team. Cam was depressed, and he didn't even know it. Well, he did kind of, but he didn't think much of it. He just thought that hockey was making him sad, but turns out, that wasn't the case. But once he broke his arm, and got a little break, he was okay for a while.

Eli and Clare found his body, dead, in the greenhouse. And Maya had to hear the news from principal Simpson. She was trying to shove it out of her mind, and forget about it. That Cam wasn't her Cam. It couldn't have been him, the last time she talked to him, he was happy. Or, at least he had seemed like he was. She was so confused, and she just wanted to scream, but instead, she had held everything in. She couldn't help it, it was just the way she had reacted to her first boyfriend who had decided to commit suicide. And everyone was trying to get her to grieve, force her even, and she didn't like it at all. She just wanted to be alone.

And finally it was time for the vigil, "You ready?" Katie asked.

Maya nodded, "I guess." She then followed her sister and Marisol over to the front of the school. This was probably the hardest thing she was ever going to have to do in her life. And she had no idea what she was doing, which didn't help one bit. "This is so stupid..." She said. "Cam doesn't deserve a candlelit vigil! He made a choice, it was the wrong one, but us standing here, feeling sad like this... Everyone blaming themselves, feeling guilty, it's no one's fault. It's his fault..." She said.

"Maya, he was sick..." Katie interrupted.

"Well, he should have fought." Maya replied. "I'm not lighting any candles, and I won't cry." She had to admit, she did feel sad, but she was confused at the time too. She didn't know what to feel, everything just felt wrong. That was when Maya's path of a downward spiral began. She wouldn't go to the funeral, she refused to. She didn't want to put herself through anymore pain than necessary. All she wanted to do was forget, forget about everything. That's how her reckless behavior all began. She began doing things that she would never ever do, not even if she was an adult. And it was all because of Cam's suicide. The charade didn't last long though, because she finally broke down.

"I don't think you understand how worried we are." Maya's mom said.

"Can you just ground me or whatever so I can go to my room?" She asked.

"You can't replace Cam!" Katie yelled.

"Why not?" Maya screamed right back. "He broke up with me by killing himself! I hate him! I hate him! I feel like I'm never going to be happy again! And everyday it just gets worse and worse, I can't miss him anymore. I can't! I don't want to. He never even said goodbye..." By now she was on the verge of tears.

"It's going to be okay Maya." Katie said, and that was when Maya decided to write Cam a letter, and pay him a visit.


	3. Epilogue

**Author's Note: That was really hard to write, see you guys at the bottom.**

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Dear Cam,

It's been 28 days since you've disappeared out of everyone's lives. That's almost a month. The days go by extremely slow, and I have to keep myself busy with some sort of distraction or else my mind wanders to you. I can't take it, it's hell without you Cam. I figured time would make things better, but things have only continued to get worse. I wake up in the middle of the night, screaming, sweating, because I have nightmares about what you did. I know that probably sounds selfish of me to say, but you're the selfish one Campbell, you're the selfish one for putting everybody who cared about you in pain. Your mom is still mourning, but that's to be expected isn't it? She's worse than I am, and I try to help her, but I'm afraid I just can't do it. I can't help anybody until I help myself.

I wish you would have talked to me before you did all this to yourself, but everyone knows that wishes don't come true. And it's too late now, you're dead, and there's nothing else I can do but hope that time will make all the pain go away. This page has tears on it, because I couldn't bring myself to stop crying while I was writing it. You were so young Cam, and I wish I could understand why you did what you did. But even as time passes and I begin to grow older I don't think I ever will understand. I will probably never understand what went through your head everyday to make you feel like you had no other choice but suicide. Maybe one day, you can explain it to me, but I know that day will be far away in the late future.

Degrassi has gone back to normal since that day. Everyone was shaken up for a week or two, then things were okay. I wish it could be like that for me. I wish I could just go on autopilot, and go back to living my normal life. But I cared about you too much Cam, I cared about you too much to ignore those feelings of guilt, sorrow, and pain. I guess the whole purpose of this letter is just to let out these feelings that I've kept bottled up for a while. I don't really have many people to talk to about this kind of thing. I've contemplated going to see a counselor, but I'm still afraid of what other people will think of me for it.

We had a lot of good times Cam, and I miss you. Did you expect me just to forget all the stuff we did and all the time we spent together? Did you expect me to just walk away from all that? I'll never forget, and I'll never walk away because I loved you Campbell Saunders, and I could have helped you if you just talked to me instead of bottling it all up. But, it's too late now, and you're gone forever.

Love always, Maya

She read over the letter one more time before placing it on Cam's grave. She was glad she was able to finally get all of this off her shoulders. Maybe now, she could go about and live her normal life. She missed Cam like hell, but she knew nothing would bring him back.

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**Author's Note: This little fic was never meant to be that long. Anyway, I hope all you guys enjoyed and stuff. Be sure to check out my profile for other cool stuff, and feel free to send in a request if you want. I'm a senior in high school so I stay relatively busy, but I update all the time. I have other Degrassi fics too if you would like to check them out. Stay fabulous! Thanks for reading.**


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